We are now 10 days away from the RSA Show. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending the yearly security conference, it is, to say the least, a happening. It is certainly a loud, confusing and busy show with hundreds of undifferentiated vendors screaming for your attention.
Some would characterize RSA as a zoo and zoos of course have animals, and I, being the helpful guy that I am would like to give you a short guide to some of the animals you will see.
Hamster. As in the “hamster wheel of pain” graphic prominently displayed on the booth (see examples here and a fun cartoon inspired by Andrew Jaquith here) to illustrate why the vendor’s product is essential to you. Ever since I was introduced to the term I vowed never to use a wheel graphic in my materials again. Each year at RSA I do a “hamster wheel” walk and laugh at the examples. The more items on the wheel the better – the record sighting is 14.
Fudasaurus. These are the easiest booths to spot at RSA because of their size, noise, and the fact that they have graphical display devices that cost far more that I will spend on our entire booth. Because the fudasaurus was built on traditional (translation: aging) product like signatures and antivirus, there will be an emphasis on how the latest acquisition really (no, really) solves the known gaps in their product. The fudasaurus is always surrounded by swirling hoards of like-dressed acolytes that share a common ailment: pre-mature affirmation or PMA. PMA is characterized by the afflicted answering “yes” before the person asking the question completes the query. Here is a sample dialogue:
Attendee: “Does your product…”
Acolyte: “Yes – we are in fact the world leader”
Attendee: “But I did not finish.”
Acolyte: “Yes”
Attendee: “But what if I was to say male pattern bald…”
Acolyte: “Yes”
PMA is somewhat analogous to the very advanced application of Maslow’s quote “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” This year’s new hammer and newly acquired problem solver for the fudasaurus is whitelisting.
Ants. These are the complete antithesis of the fudasaurus, relegated to small, non-descript booths at the edges of the show. But pound for pound, an ant’s product may lift ten times its body weight, and the ants are tireless and industrious. Unfortunately, attendees are so distracted by the other animals they often do not take the time to visit the ants, which is a shame because it is the ants who may actually have the solution for their problem. (see last year’s blog entry about a View from the Edges)
Blowfish. These are the vendors that want to look like they cover far more security functions than their actual technology will support. Luckily the blowfish does eventually have to breathe out and if you are lucky you will be able to spot their true capabilities. Blowfish are also spotted by the use words like comprehensive, suite, single pane of glass, one stop shop, and holistic. The blowfish aspires to be a fudasaurus.
Peacock. These are the booths where the inhabitants all strut gloriously as if they have invented sliced bread and cold fusion. The peacock often has interesting technology that, while visually compelling and breathlessly described, seems to solve a problem no one has. Perhaps a hamster wheel graphic would help. The relentless strutting and preening is mostly to catch the eye of the Fudasaurus for mating…sorry… acquisition activity. The most aggressive peacocks will claim a solution for the Advanced Persistent Threat at the risk of great ridicule from the roaming bloggers.
Chameleon. These are the vendors that have one basic type of product and are now passing themselves off as something much different and hopefully grander. For example, patch management and helpdesk tools that now present themselves as security configuration management tools. Hmmm, I thought we have configuration management issues because patch management has historically failed, but I digress…
So have fun, spot the hamster wheels, and enjoy the show. And do yourself a favor and make sure you visit the ants.
Click here to subscribe
[...] year, and this is what makes me frustrated and sad. I wrote a somewhat fanciful piece on the animals of the RSA zoo, describing the various company profiles on the floor. Savvy veterans of the show know that the [...]
[...] have made two quick passes through the floor looking for “hamster wheels of pain” to photograph and share with you. So far I have found none to report. Well done, my [...]